I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
