It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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