Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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