It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
