I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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