I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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