Dual....:-)
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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