I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
