im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
