saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
