you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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