I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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