according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
