I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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