I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
