My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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