I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
