I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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