The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
