Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
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