I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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