What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
