I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
