i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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