Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
