This is not my ceiling
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
