I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
