In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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