Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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