At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
