i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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