My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
