you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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