im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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