do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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