Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
