Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
