evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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