based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
