It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
