I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
