I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
