Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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