I looked at my own cervix.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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