I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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