There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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