i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
tell me about the eggs
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
