Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
