When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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