I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize