I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
