$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
