yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm at about main and main street
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize