I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
