sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
