I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
