Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
