How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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