I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
