My Higher Power is John Stamos
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
